More than a month ago, I got in a fight with my wife.
It happens from time to time. But fights with spouses can (and perhaps should) be different when you are living with freaks. Sometimes I am grateful for these differences, sometimes I'm not.
The fight, of course, was based upon misunderstanding and miscommunication. But isn't that typical? I get so caught up in the way I see things, I refuse to see things from Amanda's perspective, and I get angry at her lack of empathy to see things from my perspective. It's a deadly trap, one in which I feel like the more I struggle, the deeper I get. The more I try, the worse it gets.
As we were in the thick of it, I thought to myself: "We need outside help."
I love the idea of outside help. I think it's a little understood necessity of human nature. When people are trying to work things out and move forward, they need the safety and objectivity of an outside voice. Think about it. This is really what a consultant does, isn't it? He or she comes into a company as a stranger, and uses the lack of being in the middle of everything to his or her advantage. People are more willing to listen, politics is reduced, and suggestions are treated (at least theoretically) as objective.
The same is true for "counselors." Yes, I know counselors are trained professionals that understand psychological and human development, but I think the greatest benefit to professional counseling is the outside perspective it provides. Someone is listening and offering advice without being in the same world as the one being counseled.
Some argue that this is also the most important role of an apostle. In looking at scripture, an apostle came in, gave Christ to those who would receive Him, planted a church, and then left. Apostles never became "part" of the local body of believers (although sometimes they would stay for a year or two). I think this helped when people like Paul or Peter or John would then write the local church. Their perspective was somewhat impartial, objective, and certainly needed.
Sorry for the tangent...now back to my story...
When emotions were at there highest in our fight, I thought to myself, "We need outside help." I thought this because I didn't actually think we would get it, but we did. We stopped by to say hello to Chris and Maria later that evening. We only stopped because they were hanging out in their front yard (another advantage of community: unplanned, informal encounters). I thought we would stop, say hello, and move on. I was wrong.
They asked how we were doing, and Amanda (silly Amanda), told the truth. "What is she doing?" I thought. Chris and Maria then proceeded to listen. I was furious. I didn't ask for this! (okay, I had asked for it, but I wasn't willing to admit it at the moment.) This was none of their business! (okay, it was their business because we belong to them.)
Needless to say, they loved us. They listened to us. They gave us honest feedback. Maria told Amanda - Rishi is under a lot of stress, and you've got to understand that. Chris told me - Brother, you are way too stressed, you have got to take a deep breath here.
But they didn't stop there. They then took our kids inside (all three of them) and left us outside to talk it through. Maria even brought me champagne (alcohol - genius!). "Where am I?" I thought to myself.
At first, I thought this plan had totally backfired. Amanda and I unloaded on each other in that kind of "How dare you?" tone. We weren't yelling on the outside, but we were on the inside. But once we released those emotions, the defensiveness started to drift away. We began to put ourselves in the other's shoes. We listened. We relaxed. And we each chose to suffer for the sake of the relationship (my favorite definition of forgiveness).
We went into the house, and we were different people. Changed. Transformed. Better. And it was because of them (Chris and Maria).
I was sharing this struggle (and this theme of struggles in my life) with a brother of mine. He said:
And, Amanda, she has the privilege to see the whole Rishi--the good, bad, and ugly, as does Rishi get to find the same in Amanda. You struggle, apologize, forgive, and stick with each other through thick and thin. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? So, it seems to me, that your family is really blessed by your imperfection. God will use your acknowledgment of it to push you all closer to holy things. That seems like really good news!
Yes, that is good news! That is the gospel! People caring for us who have no reason to care. People helping us who have no selfish reason to help. People treating us like family when they have no blood relation. I have nothing against professional counseling, and I have a lot for it. But part of me feels like "who needs it?" when you are surrounded by such caring, thoughtful people as this?