it's SAD
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 at 10:24PM A week or so ago, I had a conversation with my brother-in-law about some trials and struggles he was going through. Things seemed inexplicably bad, and I asked him how he made sense of these things. After offering some possibilities, he asked what I thought. I suggested that maybe God was trying to get his attention...
...I'm struggling a little bit with life right now. It's the little things, and they pale in comparison to what others are going through. A friend of mine has a son with childhood cancer. Another friend has struggled with infertility for years. Okay, so overall I have things pretty good, but they still aren't going exactly as I would have hoped.
My work world is a crazy mess. Lots of transition from people leaving. One is a dear friend. I'm just shocked, stunned, and confused about the whole thing. I had a plan for how things were going to go. This is not the way it is supposed to be! I was happy with the way things were at work. Now I am not. I alternate between mourning this loss of a friend and wondering what the future holds. Possibilities swirl in my head, and all the while I am trying to understand what God is doing.
And then, to top it all off, I found out that my yard has St. Augustine Decline (otherwise known as SAD). It's an incurable virus that will destroy my entire front lawn in less than three years. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I try not to be a crazy, middle-class, American-dream kind of person when it comes to my yard, but I must admit I do love it. "Working the land," as I like to call it, is one of my favorite ways to spend time with God. It's something physical I can do in a world of offices and computers.
So, here I am. God has taken away a friend. God has taken my wonderful work situation away from me. And if that was not enough, he took away my yard at home. What is going on? Amanda said to me the other day, "Maybe God is trying to get your attention."
Oh how the tables have turned! (from the conversation with my brother-in-law)
Thanks for being the lovely, supportive wife, Amanda. But I think she's right. Maybe He is trying to get my attention. Times like these make me ask bigger questions:
- What is the purpose of my life?
- What is my vocation/calling?
- Where am I supposed to be?
I don't know the answers, but I think they are good questions to ask. I know God has a purpose. I know that He has called me to devote my life toward the local church - real people trying to know God together in real ways. But even that is murky. How does that work with a family, a job, etc.? What should that look like?
As I was journaling about this (not here, but a real, paper-and-pen kind of journal (I know, I'm an addict)), two small miracles occurred. First, my dear friend, the one who is leaving, called me out of the blue. He does not call very often, but he did so right as I was writing about all of this. He called to see how I was doing, and he said he felt compelled to call. Amazing.
Then, as I was trying to finish the journaling, Ellis told me he had something for me (a surprise). He told me to close my eyes. I always fear these things, but I still always do them (why do people close their eyes when asked? It's pretty unsmart). I expected either some silly toy or some kind of bug. Instead, when I opened my eyes, I saw this on my desk...
I had never seen this in my house before. Apparently, it was a gift that I had not seen that had been in our house for a while, and Ellis just happened to find it while I was journaling, ask me to close my eyes, and put it before me right when I needed it.
So I cry out to the Lord, and he sends me a phone call and a stone that says Trust me. Last night, Chris taught a group of us on how the Lord lavishes His love on us. That's how I felt with these two incidents. I'm still asking the bigger questions, but I am doing it in full assurance that I have a God who loves me and is for me.
Maybe I will continue to ask God these questions while I re-sod my lawn...
Reader Comments (4)
That verse from Isaiah is one of my favorites - plus the one before it: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." I don't have the answers to your questions, but I know that if you fix your mind on Jesus, he will keep you in peace as you think about your future.
Thanks, Andrea, both for caring and for the verse.
Oh, good stuff. I'm glad you're blogging. It's really good to 'hear' from you about these things.
I appreciate you being such a faithful commenter, Amy!