Marriage & community
Friday, June 19, 2009 at 12:00AM More than a month ago, I got in a fight with my wife.
It happens from time to time. But fights with spouses can (and perhaps should) be different when you are living with freaks. Sometimes I am grateful for these differences, sometimes I'm not.
The fight, of course, was based upon misunderstanding and miscommunication. But isn't that typical? I get so caught up in the way I see things, I refuse to see things from Amanda's perspective, and I get angry at her lack of empathy to see things from my perspective. It's a deadly trap, one in which I feel like the more I struggle, the deeper I get. The more I try, the worse it gets.
As we were in the thick of it, I thought to myself: "We need outside help."
I love the idea of outside help. I think it's a little understood necessity of human nature. When people are trying to work things out and move forward, they need the safety and objectivity of an outside voice. Think about it. This is really what a consultant does, isn't it? He or she comes into a company as a stranger, and uses the lack of being in the middle of everything to his or her advantage. People are more willing to listen, politics is reduced, and suggestions are treated (at least theoretically) as objective.
The same is true for "counselors." Yes, I know counselors are trained professionals that understand psychological and human development, but I think the greatest benefit to professional counseling is the outside perspective it provides. Someone is listening and offering advice without being in the same world as the one being counseled.
Some argue that this is also the most important role of an apostle. In looking at scripture, an apostle came in, gave Christ to those who would receive Him, planted a church, and then left. Apostles never became "part" of the local body of believers (although sometimes they would stay for a year or two). I think this helped when people like Paul or Peter or John would then write the local church. Their perspective was somewhat impartial, objective, and certainly needed.
Sorry for the tangent...now back to my story...
When emotions were at there highest in our fight, I thought to myself, "We need outside help." I thought this because I didn't actually think we would get it, but we did. We stopped by to say hello to Chris and Maria later that evening. We only stopped because they were hanging out in their front yard (another advantage of community: unplanned, informal encounters). I thought we would stop, say hello, and move on. I was wrong.
They asked how we were doing, and Amanda (silly Amanda), told the truth. "What is she doing?" I thought. Chris and Maria then proceeded to listen. I was furious. I didn't ask for this! (okay, I had asked for it, but I wasn't willing to admit it at the moment.) This was none of their business! (okay, it was their business because we belong to them.)
Needless to say, they loved us. They listened to us. They gave us honest feedback. Maria told Amanda - Rishi is under a lot of stress, and you've got to understand that. Chris told me - Brother, you are way too stressed, you have got to take a deep breath here.
But they didn't stop there. They then took our kids inside (all three of them) and left us outside to talk it through. Maria even brought me champagne (alcohol - genius!). "Where am I?" I thought to myself.
At first, I thought this plan had totally backfired. Amanda and I unloaded on each other in that kind of "How dare you?" tone. We weren't yelling on the outside, but we were on the inside. But once we released those emotions, the defensiveness started to drift away. We began to put ourselves in the other's shoes. We listened. We relaxed. And we each chose to suffer for the sake of the relationship (my favorite definition of forgiveness).
We went into the house, and we were different people. Changed. Transformed. Better. And it was because of them (Chris and Maria).
I was sharing this struggle (and this theme of struggles in my life) with a brother of mine. He said:
And, Amanda, she has the privilege to see the whole Rishi--the good, bad, and ugly, as does Rishi get to find the same in Amanda. You struggle, apologize, forgive, and stick with each other through thick and thin. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? So, it seems to me, that your family is really blessed by your imperfection. God will use your acknowledgment of it to push you all closer to holy things. That seems like really good news!
Yes, that is good news! That is the gospel! People caring for us who have no reason to care. People helping us who have no selfish reason to help. People treating us like family when they have no blood relation. I have nothing against professional counseling, and I have a lot for it. But part of me feels like "who needs it?" when you are surrounded by such caring, thoughtful people as this?
Reader Comments (4)
Community is so valuable isn't it? Sometimes you have to have that third person to provide balance, like a three legged stool. Any three points define a flat plane in space; something not true of two, or four, points.
I once heard a social worker relate a story about dealing with a troubled child. Lacking a flesh-and-blood third person, he used a large stuffed animal as a third person instead. He propped it up into what he called a triad, presumably a clinical word used by social workers, in order to reduce the stress of a one-on-one conversation with the child. It worked, and the child opened up.
"So, Mr. Bunny, tell me about your mother."
This sounds really great. But what if my spouse doesn't want to talk about our problems with me, let alone with other people? How does that work with church community?
Dear Anonymous,
I appreciate your honest, real-life questions. It is certainly possible to be within community without being a part of community. If your spouse does not want to talk about it with other people, it is probably because he or she is not fully committed to the community yet.
This kind of thing takes a huge amount of vulnerability, and perhaps your spouse is not ready to see/hear what needs to change in his/her own life. Perhaps your spouse is not quite ready to go through the suffering and brokenness necessary to get through such problems.
If you believe there are people who really and truly care about your spouse, perhaps you can go to them and ask them to approach your spouse with care and concern. It may not be well-received by your spouse, but still may produce fruit that is worth it.
Rishi,
I wanted to comment about this when you posted it. But, didn't have anything really to add. I appreciate the post and will only add that this interaction between all of us wasn't planned. We weren't "trying" to be involved, no were you really trying to involve us (at least that's what I presume). It seems that this was one of those times where we could attempt to ignore the situation and be polite or we could choose to be available. I think there was discernment from God and availability to him involved. Not simply from Chris and I, but from you and Amanda. We can be in "community" and attempt to avoid and ignore stuff or we can allow the Lord to use us as He wishes (it takes obedience on our part -and all 4 of us adults in this case were willing to yield - that's no small feat). Thanks for recording this event. -maria